How To Handle Conflict at Work

🚀 Difficult coworkers, bosses, and psychopaths – Issue #144

We would all like to have a workplace that is 100% free of anger, hostility, misunderstandings, and conflict. I would also like a unicorn pony. 

Perhaps — somewhere — there is a company that has both ponies and completely harmonious teams. If I find it, I’ll let you all know.

In the meantime, conflict is a part of life, and it will occur in your workplace, sooner or later. Sometimes the issues will be with your coworkers, sometimes with your boss. Dealing with a boss requires a few different strategies, so this article focuses on the other colleagues you will come into conflict with at work.

I worked in big corporations, smaller companies, and even startups during my years in Silicon Valley Tech. Some company cultures are better than others, but people are people. I’ve witnessed a great deal of conflict, and I’ve experienced my own.

The strategies I’m sharing have worked for me and others. A few of my mentors, advisors, and executive coaches taught me some of them. They do work for most issues most of the time.

Why? Because most people do have good intentions. It’s usually just an issue of a misunderstanding, miscommunication, and lack of clarity.

When will these strategies fail? In rare instances, you may be dealing with someone who is “not so good.”

There are Machiavellians, toxic coworkers, and even the occasional psychopath in the workplace. Yes, approximately 1 in 5 corporate executives are psychopaths. Forensic psychologist Nathan Brooks found in his research:

One study of 261 corporate professionals in the supply chain management industry showed extremely high prevalence rates of psychopathy, with 21% of participants found to have clinically significant levels of psychopathic traits — a figure comparable to prison populations.

Let’s focus instead on the positive, shall we? Most of your colleagues are good people.

So, here are three key strategies that you can use immediately to reduce unwanted, lingering conflict in the workplace:

1. Challenge your starting assumptions about your coworker.

2. Use a few simple techniques for healthier and more effective interaction.

3. Escalate the right way, at the right time, and to the right person.

Let me dive into the details for each of these strategies.

First, challenge your starting assumptions

I’ve been there. You have something that you are trying to accomplish, and a coworker is standing in your way. You are probably irritated, frustrated, and maybe even angry.

When the situation persists long enough, you start making negative assumptions:

• They’re incompetent, ignorant, arrogant, malicious, or selfish.

• They must have ulterior motives.

• They want to make you look bad.

• They’re out to get you.

• They’re gunning for your job.

Thinking the worst of the other person and playing through disaster scenarios in your mind won’t guide you to a positive outcome. Effective negotiations and successful conflict resolution require a clear head, free of negative emotions.

Here are a few positive assumptions to help you enter into a discussion with a better frame of mind.

People are basically good

Pierre Omidyar created eBay in 1995 on the premise that:

“People are basically good.” — Pierre Omidyar

When I worked there, it guided many of our daily decisions about the community of buyers and sellers. But, it also influenced our approach to workplace conflict.

When dealing with an issue with your coworker, start with the assumption that the other person is a good person.

People are basically good, but…

I want to think that people are basically good, but I know that this is a statistical average. That means that there are situations where the majority of the people are good people with the best intentions.

However, there are also situations where the majority of people have bad intentions. Note, I recommend avoiding these situations.

So, I’m not quite as positive as Pierre is. My philosophy is more like:

People are basically good unless there is a concentration of power, wealth, and/or ignorance.

One thing that I’ve discovered is that this rule changes in an environment where you do not have a normal distribution of the average population. In the workplace, you are going to have a higher concentration of driven, ambitious people. You will be in a situation with a structured hierarchy and implied power.

You will also be in a situation where conflict is inherent because of a scarcity of resources. Companies do not have unlimited money, resources, time, leadership positions, “crown jewel projects,” etc. Therefore, there will be competition for those resources.

So, yes, people are basically good but don’t be naive. 

The conflict you are experiencing may be due to an issue with power, resources, or ignorance. Your job is to get to the bottom of that conflict, without assuming that the individual you are dealing with is inherently a bad person.

People are rational and intelligent

Assume that the people sitting across from you are sensible and intelligent human beings. Therefore, when you are confused about their behavior and decision making, return to this assumption vs. jumping to the conclusion that they are a psychopathic idiot.

When you do this, you must ask yourself, “Why would a rational and intelligent human being behave this way?” Do this honestly and sincerely, and you will create a list of possible reasons for their behavior.

You will begin to uncover hidden pressures, fears, and concerns that they might have (e.g., a boss has threatened their job, if they don’t succeed).

Shared goals

Given that you are all at the same company — and maybe even in the same organization — you will have shared goals. Conflict arises when: 

• Priorities aren’t clear.

• You have different interpretations of goals.

• People have hidden goals.

• Others are solely focused on their own goals.

Start with the assumption that you ultimately have some shared goals with this person. You will need to work hard to get everyone on the same page concerning what those goals are, but it is possible. I will have more on this strategy later.

Second, use simple techniques for healthier interactions

One of my favorite books on this topic is “Conscious Business: How to Build Value Through Values” by Fred Kofman. Fred is now the Vice President of Leadership Development at Google, but he was one of the founders at Axialent when I met him during a leadership workshop at Yahoo.

His book’s chapters cover such topics as essential integrity, ontological humility, authentic communication, and constructive negotiation. I learned a lot from Fred and this book that helped guide my interactions with coworkers later in my career.

However, I’ve also continued my lifelong education as a leader, reading numerous books and articles over the years. Here are a few strategies that I’ve picked up. Some are strategies that I’ve personally used, and some are strategies that I’ve witnessed others use effectively.

Radical honesty

Have you heard of “radical candor”? As Kim Scott puts it, “Radical Candor really just means saying what you think while also giving a damn about the person you’re saying it to.”

Managers and leaders often use it as a preferred behavioral framework (e.g., can you give honest feedback that is genuinely intended to help the other person?). But, it can also be used to improve your relationships with coworkers.

I remember saying to one coworker, “I know that you don’t like me, and that’s ok. Really. I don’t need you to like me, and you don’t have to like me. But, let’s work out a solution together that lets us both be successful and gets the project back on track.”

He was taken aback by the openness at first. But, I’m happy to say that our working relationship improved dramatically after that meeting, from that day forward.

Don’t make it personal

Don’t personally attack others. We’ve all heard how important it is to avoid the accusatory “you” in our relationship discussions. It’s just as important in work conversations.

It’s better to focus on objective goals and issues rationally. Change any “you” statements to instead talk about how you are feeling and the facts.

• “You make me feel bad” changes into “I feel bad when someone shouts at me.”

• “You did this” changes into “The project is behind schedule because our resources were reallocated.”

• “You didn’t do that” changes into “This design deliverable was late last week.”

Don’t make this about “you” or “them.” Make it about the company, the product, the customers, the project, and the team. One way to accomplish this is to identify commonality in your desired goals.

Move up to shared goals

Discussing common goals is one of the most effective techniques. I often find that we get too focused on the lower-level goals of our team and ourselves.

We have the quarterly MBOs that we have to hit, so we keep our eyes on the prize. When this happens, people dig in and refuse to budge on issues that will impact their personal goals.

You have to start moving up the “goal pyramid” until you reach an agreement (e.g., “Do we both agree that this product has to launch by Sep 1st? Do we both agree that the conversion rate needs to improve by at least 15%?”). 

You want to metaphorically sit on the same side of the table and face the issue together. Reach mutual agreement on the shared goals, and focus on working together on a solution that lets you achieve them.

Help them succeed

People flippantly say, “It’s a win-win,” but they don’t really mean it. They sometimes spout that when they want to get everything that they desire and toss you a bone to make you happy.

Take some time to understand what the other person needs to succeed. They may see this current point of conflict as the only way to accomplish their goal. 

If you truly understand what they are trying to accomplish, you may be able to find a way to help them succeed with a solution that also enables you to succeed.

As I mentioned in the previous section, people sometimes get tunnel vision and steamroll straight ahead with a course of action, never taking their eyes off the prize.

When you take the time to agree on a set of shared goals, you can drill down to see how accomplishing those goals can help each of you achieve your personal goals in a new way.

Finally, escalate when necessary

Sometimes, despite your best efforts to resolve an issue, you can’t reach an agreement. Rather than continue to struggle and fail, it’s time for a 3rd party to help mediate the conflict.

Escalation channels exist for a reason, but people are often afraid to use them. In my corporate leadership roles, I remember frequently reminding people that healthy escalation was a good thing. It enables you to move stalled projects forward more quickly.

Yes, escalation channels can be abused when it’s continually happening, or when they’re leveraged as a “weapon.” But, great managers and leaders are more than willing to help you resolve conflict.

That’s a big part of a leader’s job. You shouldn’t spin your wheels with an issue that could have been quickly solved to let you move on.

If you have been radically honest, truthful, and focused on the right goals, you have nothing to fear with an escalation. Maybe the prioritization of a project was wrong. Perhaps a different decision should have been made.

You’re only human, and that’s ok.

I can’t promise that there will always be a happy ending if you follow these strategies. But, if you use them while being honest, truthful, and focused on the right priorities, you will resolve conflicts more quickly with less drama. 

You won’t win every battle, but you and others will feel good about how you managed the situation. How you handle yourself professionally matters more for your career in the long run.

Quick Tip – Avoid common escalation mistakes

I recently wrote about how to escalate appropriately:

• Bring the objective facts to the mediation meeting with the correct decision-maker.

• Describe what you think the guiding principles and goals are.

• Explain the current situation and the decisions that have been made so far.

• Share why there are conflicts and the help you need with resolution.

However, people often make these common mistakes:

• Going over someone’s head (e.g., escalating directly to the CTO when you should have met with the SVP of Engineering first)

• Escalating without the other party (e.g., complaining about people to their manager before you even talked with them first)

• Escalating to the wrong decision-maker (e.g., escalating to the Program Manager when it’s really the VP of Product who should make the call on the priorities)

• Making negative attacks on the other person (e.g., “She is a manipulative liar”)

• Making a case for your side using personal reasons (e.g., “I just want that engineer working on my project”)

• Not basing your claim on objective facts and agreed-upon goals

I’ve been in situations where an escalation was necessary. We simply could not agree on how to resource our respective projects. I believed that my project was a higher priority and, therefore, should have the resources I had allocated to it.

He disagreed and thought his project was a higher priority and was laying claim to my resources. We couldn’t agree on the correct priority ranking, so we called a meeting with our mutual boss.

We rationally explained the situation, the misunderstanding, and the resource conflict. The exec listened and made the call. I was correct about the prioritization (you already knew that, right?).

Unfortunately, even though it was a calm and rational decision, I unknowingly earned a mortal enemy that day. But that’s a story for another time. It is what it is.

However, I felt good about the process and how we handled it. I was honest and transparent about my decision making. In other words, I slept well that night.

The conflict stemmed from a lack of transparency about the priorities for the organization. Remember how critically important I said that task is for a leader? This is why.

The problem could have been avoided if our leadership had been clear about our project priorities. One of the best ways to resolve conflict at work is to stop it from happening in the first place.

What strategies do you use at work to manage conflict?

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Is one of your friends dealing with a toxic coworker or a demanding boss?